Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Last One

I rather wish I hadn’t used the title from the final episode of M*A*S*H (“Goodbye, Farewell and Amen”) in an earlier blog post, because I think it would be fitting and proper to use those words here and now.

You see, this entry will be the final one for this blog; I have decided to retire from writing.

In fact, I’ve decided to retire from a lot of things, but primarily, I’m giving up on the putting of words to paper with the intent of having other people read them.

I enjoy writing, I really do. And I really wish I could make a living doing it. But it’s just not possible, not for me, anyway.

That’s why I’m going to stop writing on my blog, and I’m going to cease efforts to get my novel published. I think about things all the time—politics, philosophy, religion, sports, relationships, etc. And I think I have some pretty good things to say about all of them. However, it’s become overwhelmingly apparent that I just do not have the resources to market those things rattling around in my head.

I spent more than six years on and off writing my novel. I thought about it every day. I’ve thought about it every day since it’s been finished. I spent about a year sending letters and e-mails to agents. I’ve been trying to find a way the past two years to get to a conference, after finding out that’s the best way to get an agent to lay eyes on my work. But I just can’t do it anymore. It hurts too much to keep pursuing this dream. I can’t keep thinking, oh, if I can just get this thing published, our money problems will go away, and I can quit my job to write full time. I’ve got two more ideas for novels in my head, a play I started years ago, and ideas for two television series that I’d like to work on.

But then I think about the cost. Do I come home from work and hole myself up at the computer and bang this stuff out every night until bedtime, obsessing over this dream? Do I miss watching my kids do swim lessons and tee ball? Do I miss more talent shows and dance recitals because I’m off at conferences, spending money we don’t have?

For some career-driven parents or business entrepreneurs, those sacrifices are worth it. However, it’s not for me. I don’t want to be the dad whose kids wonder why everything else seemed more important.

I had one of those dads, and I know how it feels.

My dad wasn’t really career-driven, though; he would just rather lie on the couch and watch TV or work on his fishing boat than do stuff with me. I can remember a whopping two times growing up that we played catch. I would ask him to take me to the batting cages at Wright’s Barnyard, and he’d laugh and he’d say, “Yeah, right, get a job.” I remember in 8th grade when he sold our ski boat that we used on the lake by our little summer cottage to get that stupid fishing boat. I was crushed, but I tried to be optimistic: “We’re going to take that to the lake, right?” My dad laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. The fishing boat, I was told in no uncertain terms, was HIS, and was going to be used only for fishing trips. Never mind that we’d use our ski boat every weekend from Memorial Day until Labor Day, and lots of weekdays during summer vacation. That fishing boat was HIS, and it was only to be used the one or two times a year, when HE wanted to go fishing. (He even tried to enter a fishing tournament once—I don’t know if he had his own dreams of being Jimmy Houston or Al Linder—spending more time and money getting into that. He and his partner finished dead last. Didn’t catch a single fish.)

So I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to spend my time and money fixing up a shitty old fishing boat to use once or twice a year in lieu of doing things with and for my family.

For instance, do I spend about $500 and a few days away from my family so I can go to a writing conference so I can meet an agent or publisher about my novel, in hopes that MAYBE someone will want to work with me on it? Or, do I put that $500 toward a new play set or patio for my family, and spend those few days working on them? I have so much that I need to do and should do that I can no longer justify doing what I want to do. I don’t have infinite amounts of time or, more critically, money, to take care of the things that I need to do and try to further my own ambitions and dreams.

Part of the problem is that there are just so many things I want to do or try, I know there’s no way I’ll ever accomplish them. I obviously want to write. But I also want to learn to play the guitar and piano again. I want to be in a band. I want to coach football. I want to be back on the radio, hosting a show this time. I want to travel, and write about traveling. I want to cook. I want to learn to build things and fix things without having to ask for help. I want to golf—a lot. Of all the wants I have for myself outside of my children’s happiness, the only thing I’ve been able to accomplish is a well-maintained lawn.

So that’s why I’ve decided to retire from writing, as well as any other personal ambitions. I just have to put out of my head all of those things I want to do, because it just eats away at me day by day, little by little, that I can’t do any of them. I can no longer stand to be selfish, as I have been most of my life. My selfishness has just about cost me my marriage. I learned—probably too late—how to not think of myself first. The only things that matter to me are the smiles on my kids’ faces. Will any of my own personal accomplishments bring smiles to them? No. So why bother? I’d rather be lying on my deathbed regretting that I never became a full time writer than regretting I didn’t do more for and with my kids. I don’t know if my dad will regret anything on his deathbed—including moving a thousand miles away from his grandkids—but I doubt it. He doesn’t seem the regretful type.

Sounds like I need therapy, no? I probably do. But therapy would be for my own personal fulfillment, too, so that's not gonna happen. I really feel, however, in reaching this decision, like a large weight has been lifted from me. I no longer feel the crushing burden of carrying the load of all those things I want for only myself. I feel free. So at least there’s that.

Thank you to all who have read and commented on this here bloggy thing. I really appreciate you taking time to leave your thoughts, and for the kind words that some of you have said about me and my ideas and my writing.

Through all this, my philosophy hasn’t changed: have fun, do good.

Peace.

8 comments:

Peter Pace said...

I agree with a lot that you have said, but I also think that from my own experience in business & dreams that if I control the greed of the pursuit I can enjoy both worlds. Hire someone to market your book and share the success with them. I follow the philosophy that in order to enjoy life to the fullest you need to educate yourself to the fullest. Enjoy retirement and life. Your life will be LONG, retirement can be semi!!!!!

Peter Pace
Had my first Big Mac sitting next to Craig. :)

Craig F said...

Thanks Pete. I'd love to hire somebody to market. Actually, I'd love to hire someone to do my patio and yard and everything else that needs doing, so I can concentrate on doing my own marketing and writing. Alas, that's where the aforementioned money issues arise again.

Unknown said...

Craig,
Thanks for sharing your story. A sign of a good writer is that he/she can cause the reader to feel or think -- something your writing has done for me. If there's one thing I learned; it's that you can pursue your dreams in life, they just may not be achieved in the time line you believe they should be accomplished. Eventually, your children will grow up and leave the house, giving you time to pursue your dreams without having to worry so much about the financial burden.
But don't completely extinguish your dreams, because then you're sacrificing yourself, which may ultimately lead to resentment. Right now, God has gifted you with wonderful children and you have decided that they (for now)are your priority financially and time-wise. That doesn't mean that one day your novel won't get published.
You're a great writer and incredibly talented. Don't forget that.
-Kathy

Marty said...

I'm sorry that you aren't going to write anymore. This blog has revived for me many of those warm memories from years ago. As I've read your witty comments, your thoughtful and rather brave statements about life, people, choices, events, it's reminded me why you were an important part of my life in the late 80s. You have a way with words that I as a preacher covet. Some people have it. Some people only wish they did.
And while I understand your motivation for putting an end to the active pursuit of a writing career, I hope that you continue to write for a new purpose. Perhaps to journal the life you share with your children each day. What it meant to you to watch them play tee ball, to take them swimming, to enjoy each and every day with them. What a gift that novel would be! Either way, remember that your gift of writing isn't just for your pleasure. it is a gift for others too. Kathy's right, you are a great writer and incredibly talented. Don't bury the gift away. Look for another way to use it that fits all that other important stuff you mentioned. Somehow I trust you'll find it.

tk said...

Why don't you self-publish and see what happens? While it is likely that not much will become of it, you will know that you not only finished your novel but produced something tangible.

I know Chris has purchased several books that were published in this way.

In your case, it seems that the process of getting your work in front of the right eyes is more perplexing and time-consuming than creating it.

Self-publish and see what happens. Hit or miss, you have a proper ending to your literary career. Leave on your own terms and with no regrets. Who knows, you might sell a few copies and wouldn't that feel pretty good?

Truthfully, I don't see much value in the traditional publishing process anyway. I just can't relate to a process where the value of something, a creative work in particular, is dictated by anything but the work itself.

If you are happy with your work, publish it and let the chips fall where they may.

Unknown said...

Why do you say you need therapy? Craig I think you have your priorities straight and your kids are very lucky to have a dad like you!

It's difficult to choose between career/dreams and family sometimes. Especially for women society seems to tell you that you can have it all. I don't think you can. One or the other is going to suffer. I saw it happening when my son turned one and I was driving an hour each way to work only to get home so late that I didn't have time to cook a proper meal and saw a future of more of that. It was a hard decision but I left a career I work so hard at and ya know what, I don't really regret it.

You are a great guy, care about your family and have your head on straight, Craig. I will miss your blogs. Your writing is witty and makes me chuckle as well as think. But ya know what? Maybe when the kids are out of the house you will have many fond and funny stories to write about the time you spent with them and that will be your break through in writing!!

necrodancer said...

OK, the family is number one. The be all and end all, there is little room for anything else. I get that.

I hope you'll be able to squeeze a little writing in. Of course, that's my little selfish self talking. I thoroughly enjoy your writing style and, even though I disagree with some of your politics, enjoy the light you've powered in my mind. Time to switch to a different generator, I guess.

Hank said...

I am not sure if you are still reading the replies. I have been bad. Any ways just scroll down to "Meh" and read my post there. Have Fun Craig. Thanks for all.