What's In A Name

Spending as much time in schools as I do, I come across lots of names for kids. It inspired me to write this...

A very good friend of mine* called recently to let us know that he had some very good news to share. He and his wife** found out that next spring, they will be welcoming their first child*** into the world. My wife**** and I were overjoyed for them, and we invited them over for dinner and a movie, and to talk about the upcoming blessed event.

While we were enjoying our pizza, the subject of what they were going to name the baby came up. My wife and I put a lot of thought and effort into the naming of our kids, so naturally we feel like we are allowed to meddle in the process for other couples, especially younger couples having their first child. The conversation went, more or less, something like this:

Me: “So, have you given any thought to names yet?”

Him: “Yeah, but we’re still pretty undecided.”

Her: “Pretty undecided? We’re clueless!”

Wife: “Oh, I know what you mean. We struggled, too. There are so many things to consider!”

Her: “Definitely. There are just—so many—names out there to choose from.”

Me: “Well, have you started to make a list? Kind of figure out what you want?”

Him: “Oh, sure. We know we want the name to be unique, but we don’t want it to be too different from, say, other kids in school.”

Me: “Okay, so…different, but the same.”

Her: “Right. Like, if it’s a girl, we’re not going to go with a Jane or a Mary. We want something more modern.”

Wife: “Like what?”

Her: “Well, we like something along the lines of Allie, Hallie, Hailey, Bailey, Caylee, Kylee, Kayla or Katelynn.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a mouthful.”

Him: “We also like McKenna, McKenzie, Madeline, Madison, Addison, Zoe, Chloe or Sophie.”

Wife: “Madeline is nice.”

Her: “Plus, we can do an alternate spelling with Madeline.”

Me: “Alternate spelling?”

Him: “Yeah. Madeline is a little too traditional, so we’d call her Maddie, but we’d spell it something like ‘M-a-d-y-l-y-n-e.”

Me: “Why all the y’s?”

Her: “That way it looks different, but is pronounced the same. The unique-but-fitting-in thing, remember? We can do the same with ‘A-d-d-y-s-y-n’ or ‘M-a-d-y-s-y-n’.”

Wife: “Oh, I get it.”

Me: “Hey, why not Radisson? It’s a highly respected hotel chain—and you can even spell it ‘R-a-d-y-s-y-n.’”

Him: “The boy names are a little trickier.”

Her: “Yeah. Our current favorites are Aiden, Braden, Caden, Jaden, Jordan, Jaylen, Brady, Brody, Cody, Taylor and Tyler. Caden and Cody could also start with a K. You know—the alternate phonetic spelling.”

Me: “That sounds like the cast of characters in High School Musical 11.”

Him: “We also like the Irish-sounding names Keegan and Teegan.”

Me: “But you’re not Irish.”

Her: “We know, but we like the ethnic sound of them.”

Me: “Have you considered Helmut, Lars or Guiseppe? Those are pretty ethnic-sounding.”

At this point, my wife got up and left. She thought I was starting to get sarcastic.

Him: “If it’s a boy, we also are thinking about tough-sounding names.”

Me: “Such as?”

Her: “Colton-with-a-K, Tyson, Bryson, Brayson, Grayson, Dakota, Jack and Troy.”

Me: “I have an idea—you could go ethnic-sounding and tough! How about Angus, Thor, Zeus or Jackie Chan?”

Him: “Speaking of Dakota, we’ve got place names that we like, too, that can be either boy or girl.”

Me: “Do tell.”

Her: “We’ve got Branson, Dallas, Brooklyn, Denver, and Sydney.”

Me: “Hey, Sydney has two y’s, but I think Hoboken or Walla-Walla might work, too.”

Her: “But we’d spell Sydney something like ‘C-i-d-n-e-e.’ You know, non-traditional.”

Me: “Uh, couldn’t that be pronounced like ‘kidney’?”

Him: “And then, there are the Biblical names.”

Me: “Biblical? Dude, you haven’t been to church since we used communion wafers as poker chips!”

Her: “It’s more about themes in the Bible. We like Faith, Hope, Charity, and Chastity, as well as Eden and Nevaeh, which is ‘heaven’ spelled backwards.”

Me: “If you’re looking for prominent themes in the Bible, there are also Lust, Greed, Envy and Sloth. Those would be interesting names, don’t you think? I mean, can’t you just hear it now—‘Sloth! Time for dinner!’”

Him: “We also like Mercedes, Lexus, Portia and Avalon. You know—high class things we can aspire to.”

Me: “You’ve lived in an apartment for five years. If you’re looking to name the child for something you aspire to, try Down Payment. Or at least Renters Insurance.”

Her: “Finally, if it’s a girl, we’re also considering influential modern women as examples.”

Me: “Ah, excellent! Like Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Eleanor Roosevelt, Gloria Steinem, or Virginia Woolf?”

Her: “No. More like Oprah, Madonna, Lindsay, Brittney, Paris or Delilah.”

Me: “Delilah? Delilah who?”

Her: “The radio host. We really like her. Plus, it’s kinda Biblical, and we can spell it D-e-l-y-l-a-h.”

Me: “Wait…you missed a phonetic-spelling opportunity here.”

Her: “I did?”

Me: “Yeah…the first syllable of Delilah could start with D-U-H.”

* I don’t really have a very good friend—this is just a literary vehicle to begin a mostly opinion-based, first-person account of an event that didn’t really happen, featuring a topic like silly, cutesy, alternatively-spelled modern kids’ names. That’s not to say that I don’t have any very good friends—I do. But none of them were involved in this encounter.

** Since I don’t really have a very good friend, the wife doesn’t exist, either. That’s not to say that none of my very good friends have wives—they do. But none of them were involved in this encounter, either.

*** Since there is no very good friend, nor is there a wife, it would only logically follow that there is no child, either. That’s not to say that none of my very good friends have children—they do. But…well, you get the idea.

**** I am indeed married, but my wife was also not involved in this encounter, since it didn’t really happen.